Into the Clouds

Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.

                                                                                    Louis L’Amour

There it is, the same wall I have felt before, the wall I leaned against when I sat down to write my wedding vows. Actually, if I remember correctly, the wall was sitting on my lap.

Heavy.

People will read these words, hear these words. Can I translate this raw emotion and actually do it justice? 

About one year ago, JT told me he would be deployed in the spring of 2018. Yesterday I kissed him goodbye and watched him fly away from me, into the clouds.

This past January, I decided that when he left I would write my way through his absence. I have been preparing to start this online journal for a few months now and all of a sudden I am self-conscious and concerned that my words won’t adequately portray this experience. I am already worried that I will stop writing… I have many journals with only a handful of inked pages. My hope is that this keyboard gives me the kind of therapy I have imagined it would, and that I make regular appointments.

Worries aside, I am going to start. Because this is for me. I will write to process my thoughts and feelings, to document this part of our journey through my eyes. I will write to give my husband the feeling that he is laying in our bed beside me, listening to me talk about my day.

The trouble is, you think you have time.

Buddha

In the year-long anticipation of this deployment, I spent a blissful few months in the denial stage. JT had been told before of deployments that never happened. I let myself live in this stage until mid-summer. I spent an evening at the Union Fair with my great friend T. We walked around the fairground loop countless times, talking about family, work, my upcoming wedding and her own wedding. When we decided to head home, we stood by our vehicles for a long while and JT’s deployment came up. T had been through her brother’s deployment and she shared a little bit of her experience. After weeks of brushing it off, I looked at her and said “This is real, isn’t it?” My eyes filled with tears.

Honestly, the anticipation was killer. There were many days when I wished that he could just deploy already, because it felt as though I was suffering in anticipation, knowing I would suffer through the deployment as well. The day before send-off, we talked about how our wedding day, just six months prior, seemed like it was years ago.

The months have been long.

JT and I have spent a considerable amount of time apart in our almost five years together. It has been our normal. Despite this, we both knew that the time we had together before he left needed to be appreciated and used well, and it was. The day before he left was surreal. I ran errands while he finalized his flight plan and prepared for departure at the flight facility. When I got home with dog food and yogurt (grocery shopping always a strength of mine), I watched a YouTube video on folding an origami envelope. Inside it, I tucked a black dog tag that I had laser etched with a wedding photo and an excerpt from my vows. I replayed that part of my vows, hoping that my husband would recognize them and feel the depth of their meaning. I felt calm, yet I still counted the hours we had left a dozen or more times.

 

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I promise that I will need you,
But I will always be able to take care of myself
So you can focus on the mission at hand.
I vow to be faithful to you, to keep a space in my heart that is only for you
And I promise that I will forever be your family and the home you return to

 

It is truly difficult to express what my mental preparation has been. Even on my last day with JT, I battled with my runaway thoughts. I am not in a unique situation. I have not lost him. But still, there is a sense of loss of what will be missed and overwhelming anxiety about what I risk losing. I continue to balance in my mind a voice of guilt that minimalizes this (“you haven’t lost him forever,” “you don’t have children to take care of by yourself,” “this is only your first deployment”) with a quieter voice that wants to justify my feelings, my anxiety, and my tears.

After dinner, JT built a fire in our fireplace using wood I had stashed away for the occasion. We ate Gifford’s ice cream in front of it and laid on the floor in sweet silence. All four of our pets joined us in this room we plan to make our family room.

Live like he deploys tomorrow.

And now I know how it feels, for my husband to deploy tomorrow. And while I am too realistic to think that I can cherish time like that day, every day, I now have a perspective that I did not have before.

I busied myself during the morning before the send-off. Our mothers arrived at our house to ride to the ceremony together. All of my calm from the day before had left me in my sleep and yet JT had his game face on. He is steady and sure, trained and prepared. I have to be reminded to check the mail.

I had been keeping track of lasts. None hit me as hard as when we were leaving our house and JT had to say goodbye to the dogs. They are our babies, the highlight of our days and a never-ending source of comfort, entertainment, and love. I couldn’t watch or listen. I stayed upstairs and cried. JT found me in the bathroom and just hugged me. When he moved away from me, I noticed one of my tears had transferred to his right cheek. I watched it glisten on his face and appreciated that he did not wipe it off. We had to get going; trying to regain control of myself after this was difficult, and when I did, it didn’t last long.

It was repeated during the official send-off ceremony that people often find that specific time to be the most stressful part of deploying. It was. At this point, my stress and sadness were coming out of my eyes at the slightest trigger. Finally we were able to transition to the flight facility where 9 helicopters stood waiting for their crews.

Pilots Seats

The pilot seats in the Blackhawk that JT flew from the send-off. I can still hear his mother telling the helicopter, “Take care of my son.”

JT would fly out in the third wave, meaning we could postpone our goodbye just a little bit longer. I watched crews for the first wave head to their aircraft. The first helicopter was started and my eyes welled up. My mother-in-law hugged me. It got a little easier after that. Eventually, JT turned to me and said he was going to go, and he hugged me. I asked him if I could be his last hug, so he said his goodbyes to everyone else and he came back around to me. He was ready to go and at that point I was ready too, ready to start the countdown to his return.

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Into the Clouds

  1. Sweet Whitney, my heart aches for you and JT. This is so beautifully written from your heart. I pray that God grants both of you the grace to remain strong until he is back home again. I love you both!

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  2. Hi. I wanted to elaborate more from my comment on facebook but more on your blog. I was an avid LiveJournal user back in the day and preferred the personal comments on there more than anything.

    Anyways. I wanted to tell you that this is BEAUTIFULLY written. As an author myself I was quite intrigued by how visual this was. Please don’t stop writing, even if this is just an outlet. Writing is a wonderful tool.

    I’m over here feeling everything that you’re feeling.
    1. My husband is a Marine, he has never been deployed–thankfully–but he has gone to the field a few times and has been without his cell phone on random occasions. The most recent, I was 7 months pregnant, I had to call his higher up to have him call someone else to get in contact with him. There was a HUGE fire that started 8 miles from our home, being pregnant and alone with my 5 year old son, I didn’t know what to do. I called and I did get to hear from him but they didn’t send him home because we were not pushed to evacuate, yet. Even if I did have to evacuate I wouldn’t have seen him for hours because 29 Palms is more than a few hours from here plus traffic is awful. Anyways, it was frustrating and I had never felt so scared in my life. I had an alarm set every two hours through the night and kept hearing the neighbors dogs barking so I didn’t get a wink of sleep in fear that I would wake up to a blaze around my apartment. Luckily I know a few people out here, one being my derby wife–you sometimes have one person click with you in roller derby and you just call each other wives–and she messaged me with an exit strategy and a place to stay if we all had to leave our homes. I spent that first night with her and her family before we decided it was okay to head home to try and sleep. For that I am totally thankful. We ended up buying her a bunch of Harry Potter items and some Coors Lite–her favorite beer.

    Being a military spouse is hard sometimes but in the end, we find a way to do it.

    2. My heart strings are pulled. I’ve known JT since he moved to our hometown freshman year and he was my best friend through all of those years, we became disconnected, I want to say around 2012 maybe a bit earlier. I kind of disconnected for multiple reasons including college and some other dark passengers that I don’t really want to delve into, but I lost a lot of friends through those times and I feel quite horrible about it. Anyways, my point being, reading this just made me feel so happy that he has found someone as soft and kind as you are. You’ve always been super awesome, I remember meeting you at Jasmine’s when we were younger. I believe we had a sleepover for her birthday? We watched Grease? Maybe there were some furbys? Anyways, the love and the happiness and the patience I’m reading here is amazing and it’s not often that you see a connection like this between two people. My favorite thing in the world is love and reading/writing about it. When I see it between two people I just feel so warm and happy inside. I want this for everyone, I want everyone to find that one person. But when you know the people involved, it just makes it even better. I’ve probably mentioned this before but I have a mind like a fish so I do apologize.

    I know it’s hard but I can see that he’s doing his best for you to care for you and make sure that you are okay. I can feel how hard this is on you but writing this out is amazing and please don’t feel uncomfortable in doing so. These feelings are valid, they are very real and fortunately, this is what love feels like and the process of longing afterwards. The heart truly does grow fonder when you’re separated. If you’re anything like me you can still feel a magnetism to your husband while he’s away but also feeling kind of empty and not sure what to do with yourself. I’m probably not helping any… sorry.
    Keep yourself busy. Do some writing, get out and go for some runs, give your fur babies tons of love. Go watch movies, by yourself is totally fine–I’m a weirdo and go watch movies alone–It’s quiet and enjoyable. I once had a buddy of mine text me and I was heading to see Midnight in Paris, he thought it was the strangest thing that I was alone and he came to meet up with me. He told me he wanted to try seeing a movie alone sometime. I’m not sure that he ever did but I hope so. 🙂
    The time will fly by and the day that you get to see JT will be a replacement to the sad day the he left. A memory that will stay engraved in your minds for a long time. Finally seeing your other half for the first time in a while is the best feeling, and like you mentioned, it’s not something you haven’t done before right? This one is just longer.
    He will come home, he will be safe. It’s so hard to stay positive in these situations, so so hard, but he’s a military man and he’s doing what he can for our country to make things safe for you, your families, and many other people in the world. Keep smiling, he’ll be home sooner than later. YOU ARE STRONG and you really should know this. And if JT is who I remember him to be, he’s feeling this too and he’s ready to be home with you.

    My heart is with you guys, if you need anything feel free to message me on fb. We were never close but I feel like I have to be there for my high school best friends wife and will do anything I can for y’all. You are not alone. Take care hun.

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